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After attending the Concealed Carry fashion show this past weekend I am all types of motivated. I’m motivated to learn more about personal safety, to go to the range more frequently, to train, and most importantly feel comfortable enough to carry.

Yesterday I was headed up to the range and needed to stop at the store to pick up some targets so I decided to bring Walther with me just to see how it felt.

Walther was “unloaded” and I was wearing my jeans, and a belt, with Walther tucked snuggly inside of his holster on the inside of my pants, with my shirt over it.  Basically I would have had to use Walther as a club if it came down to it.  If there were any problems I didn’t plan on brandishing it; I was going to act like I didn’t have him on me at all and be the good little sheep that I typically am. Baaaa….

Anyways, carrying Walther was more comfortable than I thought it would be and when I looked in the mirror you couldn’t see Walther at all and thought to myself that I was good to go!  Yes!!! This is great.  Step one, concealing Walther has been accomplished.

As I sat down in the car Walther poked me so I had to re-adjust him a little a bit until it was more comfy. It wasn’t quite as comfortable as standing up so there was no way that I would be forgetting that Walther was there.  At that point I was feeling pretty great, confident, happy and was jamming out to some tunes on the radio.

I pull into the parking lot and know that I only need to be in the store for no more than 5 minutes.  In and out.  I thought I’d feel empowered, comforted, relaxed and content.  Yeah…not so much.  I wish that I could say that was how I felt but in reality I was nervous, worried, self-conscious, paranoid…basically mortified thinking that someone was going to see Walther.

Time seemed to slow down completely.  I was frozen.  Couldn’t move.  Couldn’t bring myself to get out of the car.  I even considered driving back home to drop Walther off and go back up to the store, then back home to pick him up before I headed up to the range. I sure as heck wasn’t leaving Walther in the car!

I felt like I was doing something wrong, something bad, or something dirty.  I felt like I was doing something I was not supposed to do even though it was perfectly legal.

I had all types of irrational thoughts running through my head.

What if someone saw Walther?  I knew that wouldn’t be the case since I looked in the mirror at home no less than 50,ooo times before I left the house.  Couldn’t see Walther not even a print of him.

What if I walk through the doors and the alarm goes off and they want to search me?  Hello, you dumb a$$ you just walked in why would they search me? Besides they are security alarms NOT metal detectors.  Now would be a good time for you to roll your eyes at me.  Go ahead I know you want to.

What if Walther suddenly fell out of the holster and dropped on the ground?  Again, I was being ridiculous, absurd, irrational (insert any other word you’d like to call me here).  Walther was very secure where I had put him and would never have fallen out.

I swear that I was just waiting for someone to scream, “Hey, that lady has a gun, tackle her!!!!!!!!!”

After taking a few minutes to compose myself while still in the car, it was time for me to go in.  I still was hyper aware that Walther was with me, super aware of everyone around me, and I felt that everyone was looking at me with Superman eyes.

I got what I had to get and left.  I was so relieved to get back in the car and leave!  Phew!  I survived!!!!!!!!!  Guess what, no one saw Walther, there were no alarms, and no one had a clue.

I was reluctant to talk about this little episode because I feel pretty embarrassed and knew that I was being absolutely ridiculous but this is why I’m here in the first place.  I want to share how I’m feeling so that if you feel this way, or someone you know feels this way, that you’ll know you are not alone in being nervous carrying for the first time.

Clearly I’m not ready to carry yet but I really just wanted to know what it was going to feel like.  So what is my plan of action from here?

I’m going to start wearing Walther around the house.  Just to start feeling comfortable that he is always going to be at my side.  Continue with going to the range as often as possible and GET MORE TRAINING.

As soon as I was back in the car I immediately knew how ridiculous I had been.  It was just that I was so nervous.  Not nervous that Walther was going to go off, not nervous that something was going to happen, I was nervous that someone would see me carrying.

Honestly though I don’t think that anyone was even paying attention; they were in their own worlds oblivious to their surroundings but in that moment it sure felt like all eyes were on me.

If there was one positive that came out of last night’s debacle is that it is very evident that carrying will make me more aware of my surroundings.  Even today I can still remember faces and what people were wearing, where they were standing, and even how the guy with the ponytail with the pink shirt was carrying 2 rulers, a pack of multi colored high lighters, a roll of plastic, and his girlfriend was wearing black sandals and had huge pinky toes. Huge.

My point is that instead of being nonobservant and aloof, carrying Walther made me more aware of my surroundings.  EXTREMELY aware even.  More observant of everyone around me-read possible threats- which should in turn make it less likely that those threats would target me and if they did I would be more prepared.

I’m still motivated and this won’t hold me back whatsoever but no more trips for Walther to the store, at least not for now.